Valentine’s Day 2002

It’s not about falling in love—

It’s about not killing love when you are in it.

February 10, 2002

Pastor Joe Fuiten

Valentine’s Day is Thursday. This is a serious alert for those of you who are seriously distracted. For you listening by radio, sorry I couldn’t give you advance warning.

“It is a strange holiday indeed that turns our thoughts towards love, and most often, romantic love, but at the same time bears the name of a Catholic saint and martyr: Saint Valentine. I can think of nothing that more clearly reflects the often strained relationship between spirituality and sexuality in Christian piety, than this.

“Though the precise identity of Saint Valentine is not known, it is generally agreed that he was killed during the Roman persecution for refusing to renounce his faith. One tradition about the saint holds that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young, single men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, believing that this decree defied the will of God, resisted the emperor's authority by continuing to perform marriages for young lovers. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that the priest be put to death. Thus, we are faced with the fascinating coincidence of a holiday named for a person who died defending his faith having been transformed into a holiday most closely associated in the popular imagination with romance rather than religion.”[1]

The popular confusion regarding the holiday fits because there is a lot of confusion about love. People seem to be able to fall into it without even trying, and kill it the same way. There doesn’t seem to be any good working definition of what this thing is all about. We could probably use a little less emphasis and a little more enlightenment on the subject. We could use a little help on making some distinctions about the kind and quality of relationships.

That’s the problem we have with the word “love” itself. It is overused and abused. I heard about a single guy who went looking for a Valentine Card yesterday. He read through dozens of cards trying to find the right one, the one that expressed exactly the right thoughts. One card really grabbed him. It read, "To my one true love, the most beautiful woman in all the world." "This brings tears to my eyes," he commented to the clerk standing at the cash register nearby. "This is a message that any woman would love to receive. ... I'll take six!"

I have done probably 300 weddings by now. I didn’t used to like them, but now I do. I think a wedding is a most important moment in the life of a couple, a church, and a community. For that reason wedding ceremonies should be important. If the event is important, then the opening ceremony is also important, as we have just seen with the Olympics in Salt Lake City. I always give couples a chance to put their own ceremony together using the guidelines that I have established. I came to that approach, of giving freedom within limited options, because of all the stupid ceremonies I was a part of in my younger years. The final straw was a wedding that I did in a park. The couple had me reading the most absurd stuff about the wind blowing through the trees. I sounded like a weed-smokin’ hippie. When I was done I said to myself, that’s it!

Now couples almost always have me read from 1 Corinthians 13, because that’s one of the few choices I give them: “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”[2] (NIV)

If we got up every morning and read that and did our best to act that way, I am convinced 99.9% of divorce would end.

Scripture Reading: Galatians 5:22-26

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.”

Paul wrote the Corinthian passage on love to a people who were in conflict with each other. They weren’t getting along with each other because each group put itself first. He was showing them the way out.

This passage was written to the people living in central Turkey, an area known then as Galatia, who were also in conflict. Their conflict was over how to conduct the Christian life. Some were saying that the old Jewish law, including circumcision, should be maintained out of respect for God. There were personal conflicts there too, but the bigger issue was how to please God. The old guard had a long list of rules from the Jewish law. In that system, everybody knew exactly what to do and what not to do. In the Jesus system, it seemed less clear. Paul’s answer in chapter five contrasts two approaches. The first involved serving yourself. The right way involved following the Spirit and letting him shine out of your conduct.

Paul is not preaching to us today, but he was preaching to them. He was proposing 9 indicators to look at to overcome conflict. I would like to call these the nine things necessary to keep from killing true love.

When I say that, you start thinking about how you are treating your true love. You want to see if you are doing right by your true love. You might be looking at yourself too narrowly if you do that.

You really can’t break yourself into pieces like that. You are who you are. When I come home in the evening, I bring my day with me. My wife always recognizes that. She can tell if I am uptight or upset. When I walk in the door, my whole day walks in, not just me. It’s too hard to shift gears. Intuitively we know that. No guy here is going to take his girlfriend to see a war movie or a horror film on Valentine’s. I was a youth pastor in the 1970’s. One year at a Valentine Banquet I showed films of pigs eating. It seemed funny when we were planning it but it was not a successful banquet. The 1970’s were crazy but not that crazy! You can’t act like Lucifer at work all day long, drive like the devil coming home, and expect to have a nice dinner. If you can, we have medication now that will help that.

Here’s the nine-point quiz.

Are you actively expressing good will toward God and people? That’s love.
Are you taking particular delight in life, acting like you are glad to be alive, especially when you think of God’s mercy and grace toward you. That’s Joy.
Even in difficult situations where there is some tension, do you feel tranquility and a sense of harmony with God? Most of the time, as much as it is up to you, do you feel at ease with people. That’s peace.
When people act provocatively, do you intentionally lower your response? Do you lower your voice and restrain your rhetoric? That’s patience!
When you are around people do you do your best to put them at ease so they are comfortable? Do you try to sooth people around you? That’s kindness.
Do you try to go the second mile? Do you try to put out more than is expected you and be as generous as you can? That’s goodness.
Are you reliable? Is your word your bond? Do you do what you say, and do you do it when you say you will do it? That’s faithfulness.
When you are with people are you humble? Do you show a kind demeanor and try to calm other people down? That’s gentleness.
Even though you might be inclined to speak harshly or act selfishly, do you put on the brakes? Do you hold back, when you could get away with it or lash out just to get even? That’s self-control.

If you treat most people like that, in all areas of your life, you are very unlikely to be in long-term conflict with your true love. You will fall in love and stay in love. You won’t kill that love that you’ve had.

We don’t act like this because it is the law. We act like this because something inside of us causes us to want to act right. It is God’s spirit! The more his Spirit fills your life, the better lover you are going to be. All this time you thought roses were the key to Valentine’s Day. What you have really been needing is a good long prayer meeting.

Do you remember that bumper sticker about “mean people…?” Shakespeare said “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” Mean people bearing roses still smell the same.